24 Jan

Where I Used To Be And How I Got To Where I Am

by DanM in Blog Post No Comments

2 Years sober today

Lessons from ditching the demon I never thought I’d live without, if I even lived at all

Two years ago, and maybe a few hours from posting this, I drank my last alcoholic drink

To say that alcohol had featured heavily in my life is, somewhat, of an understatement

For those that have followed me for a while?

You will likely be familiar with elements of this story

But theres some bits that I’ve been reticent to share – but I cant preach what I don’t pratice can I?

So yes, there may be some who are turned off by what I say

– and thats cool –

But equally it might help out a peep or two; and thats a fair price to pay

Before I dive in, I’ll explain the picture later as this is the 2nd year I’ve used the pic in the above left of me on the bike – and it has meaning to this post (many of you know her…)

For now?

Im going to try and explain why this is such a big deal for me – and as the story goes on – I hope it will begin to make more sense and be valuable to you as well

(This has taken a few days to write, there may be some randomness as we go along but I think it comes together nicely at the end)

Shall we then?

Lets

Now I’ve always drunk since my teens; I was a naturally shy and quiet kid (really!) and I wanted to be fun like the other kids and less quiet

Alcohol – it turned out – was that magical elixir that seemed to do it for me and had been a passenger to most, if not all, of my social gatherings

And I turned out Dan could drink a LOT!

I was very much the ‘life of the party’ and even though I could put it away?

I could be relied on to get the party started

Sure, I did some dumb shit

But nothing bad, no fights, no nasty stuff

Just fuckery and saying stupid things TBH

Never really thought I had a problem, and didn’t really until I started to become a thing

It started off fairly innocuous

I started the agency (marketing/copy/funnels etc for the fitness/supplements industry)

Before I knew it had scaled it up to mid/high $6-figures and was ‘on the tools’ for maybe a 1/2 day a week

– we were good, and yes that really was it –

So I drank because I was bored

And because I was lonely (I’ll be coming back to that theme bit later, and more than once as I meander along with the prose)

My partner at the time was a dancer – quite famous in her world – and was away on tours and what have you

So I was on my own a lot with nothing but my mind for company

What started at a few drinks to end an evening…

…routinely ended up being a bottle of grey goose every night

(Ive never had a hangover and when I discovered ‘The Goose’ it was – for my body – a victimless crime)

Sadly myself and my partner at the time broke up due to my own BS and I thought I needed to escape so literally packed a single back pack and fucked off from Somerset to Brighton to start a new life by the seaside

The fresh start WAS amazing, but I found if harder and harder that I was a ‘thing’ as time went on

(Looking back just running away from shizzle and not dealing with it eh?)

This random little bearded nugget of a human had sold 100’s of thousands of books and the sheer amount of kind messages and emails and what have you – to be totally honest – overwhelmed me

I mean, I had one person who had planned to tap out and they got an email about my audiobook and were listening to it AS THEY WERE PREPARING

My book saved their life

It messed with my head

Hence the drinking got earlier and I’d sometimes ‘top up’ with a 1/2 bottle of gin

Now you might be thinking:

‘boo hoo, look at the poor beardy man getting all sad over being successful’

Ya know what?

TOTALLY with you on that one

I used to se successful people and when they had issues or whatever I was like

‘Fuck em, they got money’

But you know what

If you don’t like who you are, are lonely as fuck and – honestly – couldn’t give a shit if you saw another day

Ya start to feel sympathy not for what they have done but for the fact they are human

I had all these people saying I had changed their lives – 100’s of 1000’s

And there I was

Seemingly most nights (if I hadn’t passed out by this point)

Sat on the floor in my living room with the same headphones Im wearing now on crying my eyes out – downing neat gin – with zero fucks about if I saw the next day

Why?

Because all those years of drinking was my coping mechanism to deal with the fact that I never, ever felt good enough or worthy of anything

I felt like I was NO ONE

Love?

Haha Dan fuck you no one will ever love you

Friends?

No one gives a shit about you ya bearded twat, your only as much use as you can do for someone

So thats what I began to believe

Yes I had an amazing family/team/mentor (more on them later, as they feature prominently)

But when you dont feel anything towards your own existence bar what you can do for others, you begin to just stop caring about yourself

I showed up
I made a difference
I did the work
I changed lives
People got paid
Everyone got what they wanted

As long as I worked?

I was useful

So thats what I focussed on, doing what I could to make others lives better – my logic being back then that my life isn’t particularly important; so as long as I make a difference to OTHERS lives then It was, technically, a worthwhile life

I mean, I had a couple of little mini-heart attacks and I wasn’t even bothered

Still remember being covered in electrodes (I took selfies, theres a post or two around) and more concerned with and more bothered abut the fact I was running out of battery and would be stuck there with nothing to do…

Mad eh?

But thats the thing when you are trapped in this spiral of self destruction, you tend to only think about yourself

The gratitude I have for my family, mentor, team, some close friends I dont know If my words can do it justice

It had me locked into a selfish, destructive downward spiral that made me – looking back – a fucking asshole at times

Alcohol had me in its grips and I just didn’t care

I ruined my mentors summer and nearly drove him insane m with endless calls in between manic highs and crippling tear drenched lows…

My family had to see me beat myself up – literally – as I was in such a destructive and sad place with only my sister giving me a cuddle stopping me…

My poor team would lose me days as I would go off on a bender…

(I cant ever thank them enough for sticking with me)

I had no idea why They did, but they didn’t leave me and I am very lucky to have them all in my life still

Sadly though some took this opportunity to attack, poison, back stab and go to TOWN trying to destroy me

Funny who steps up when you need it the most?

People I had been there for, pretty much created businesses for, people I classed as friends?

Had literally done everything they could to destroy my business and reputation – I didn’t find this out until some time after the event

That hurt you know

Yes I was a mess at times, and sure I had done some dumb shit

But the screenshots I was sent, fucking killed me inside

If I hadn’t made the vow Im about to tell you about?

I reckon it would of seen me off for good

Which brings me back to the picture

Top left?

Thats DucatiBAE

Now this is gonna sound weird – and only a few know this – but I wanted to share as recently I had to decide If I was going to sell her or not

(I’m quite a good biker now and the power and speed of her I’ve simply outgrown a bit)

This night 2 years ago I had conversations with people I love and respect – hard, tearful, painful ones

I made a promise

Not a promise – a vow

I was done with alcohol

Not for a month
Not for 90 days
Not for 6 months

Forever
Done
Good

I had some great help and support during this period, but I said I was gonna get a bike so I (still a bit tipsy on what would be tomorrow morning) got a taxi to the dealership

And bought DucatiBAE there and then

(Don’t worry I didn’t ride her home, she was delivered a few days later)

She saved my life

I remember patting her on the tank in the store and said

‘You don’t kill me, I wont drink again’

She didn’t
I haven’t

Thats why – no matter what – I can never sell her

I wanted to share that because I know my love of motorcycles seems a bit OTT but it gives me a sense of happiness and peace that alcohol never gave me

Now we are getting a bit off topic here, so we are gonna go back in time for bit, then forward

Dex did this post a year and a bit ago

https://www.facebook.com/10164802…/posts/10214613432782295/…

Ya know all I’ve ever wanted?

Was to be happy

And asking for help to be happy was kinda fucking hard

But I did

You see, I’ve done some pretty crazy things from partying in the playboy mansion….to flying in a first class cabin on a party jet…to being in VIP suites in vegas partying with models…

…and some crazy, filthy, probably dangerous, very ridiculous shit in-between

Ive done all the things that I thought would make me happy

– money
– women
– alcohol
– VIP life
– watches
– toys
– experiences

Literally every thing that I wanted to do and experience – I’d done – yet I didnt feel any happier deep down

WTF eh?

Hence drink became my ‘go to’ whenever the nights used to draw in and Iw as lets with my own thoughts

^^ and here we have the rub

My own thoughts

I have what I have and I manage it well (the hypomania)

Its good now

But it wasn’t for a long time

But the idea of BEING LEFT ALONE WITH MY OWN THOUGHTS was fucking terrifying

For weeks and weeks I used to make myself exhausted and run podcasts from 8pm all night until I passed out – sober – but distracted

Before long, I simply couldn’t keep this up

So I was forced to do the work on me that – honestly – I dont think I’d ever done

Why dont I feel worthy of love
Why dont I think I have any friends
Why dont I care if I’m here or not
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why

Honestly some of the most painful shit I’ve experienced and as hard as it was? Its perhaps the most worthwhile thing Ive ever done

I couldn’t of done it without my family, mentor, close team/friends ad a few special humans who (when others jumped ship) stepped up

You know who you are in both categories – and Im grateful for both

Because it showed me that even though there are some truly shitty humans on this planet, there are some amazing ones that are worth their weight in gold

And with the right ones around you?

You can get through all manner of shit

As you can see, a bit of a merry go round of a story – highs and lows, here and there

I think it makes sense, and I hope you got something out of it

That me?

That me that wanted to destroy himself because he didnt feel good enough…

Still shows his head time to time – I’ll never believe my own hype – but I have it in control now, it doesn’t control me

Which is kinda cool

I’ve learned to be kinder to myself and love myself?

Well, I’m only two years sober

Baby steps eh

🙂

Me clearly avoiding the subject aside, I’ve learned a fuck tonne about me and life and business in general through this journey

And as you can see on the pictures, theres a happier less fucked up Dan

Im closer to my family than ever before (Ive always loved them to bits) but see them all the time and especially since Ive been sober Anna has both broker her neck and had a liver tumour removed – and Dad has survived cancer

I was able to step up when needed, and be there for my family as they have been there for me

Alcohol was such a crutch it seemed

Ive had some of the hardest, most painful, challenging 2 years of my life – and although it hasn’t ben easy

It hasn’t broken me either

Ive been able to deal with shit and get shit done, its amazing what you can do when you don’t buy your head in the sand and just deal with shit eh?

That and I have a job I love

I don’t have to do things/buy stuff/go places to either try make me feel happy to impress people

I am – in essence – a quiet kid who likes nature, the sea, his family, motorbikes, books and orange fudge

I like making people happy
I want to make a difference
I actually do give a shit about others

If that makes me a bit soft?

Then so be it

Im a bit soft

(Most of you fucking know it anyways lol)

Ive got a loving family, a great team, a brilliant/batshit mentor, a nice home, the toys I need, and a job I love

Not bad eh?

That and look how happy I am in the bottom pics; loving life and getting to help epic peeps

The loneliness I mentioned earlier?

Still there – but Im getting better at combatting it; and in a position (with my network & CWD) to be able to do soemthing about it

– which is my big plan for 2020 –

I haven’t done a mammoth post in ages, Im sure theres some waffle, grammatical fuckery and randomness in this

But thats me

🙂

(And In my defence felled by man flu today so im kinda fucked and wrote this over a few days….I did my best!)

In closing?

Life can change – if you want it too – but you cant do it alone

I never thought I’d be able to not only kick the drink, but deal with the shit that made me want to numb myself to life

I managed it

And I am NO ONE special

If life isn’t where you want it to be right now?

Try not to panic

It can, and if you ask for help and just be fucking honest with yourself that you aint 100% right now you CAN change

Yes there are some total cunts (and I never use that word, but what some people did to me was pretty awful) in the world

But there are even more people that are fucking awesome who will go to bat for you and help you when you need it the most

No need to tag anyone, you know who you are and I fucking love you

(That and theres too many, I am behind grateful)

Life is for living ladies and gentlemen, and if the last two years have taught me anything?

Is that many of the ‘riches’ you seek?

Are within your grasp

You just have to put out your hand

Thank you for reading, and for being a part – no matter how big or small – in my life

x

Dan

DanM

Wirte, Blogger, Entrepreneur.

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